Your love is...strong

I have not written in a while.
I wish that I had news to report but I don't. The job front is not looking promising at the moment. And I am not handling it well. Thankfully, I have my wonderful husband who won't let me fall, my friends who encourage me and mentors who pray for me. And a God who will never leave me.
I wish I could remember that more often.
I wish I didn't feel so sad. I wish I could stop crying. I wasn't so upset with myself.
I don't want to turn this post into something where I list all the reasons I am upset...just please pray if you read this because I am struggling.

Instead I will post some encouragement I have received:

Diane led me to look up this song:
Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
You give me the food I need to live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I look at the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Allen and I at Martha's vineyard.
Our God made that sunset...

simple truth

I have found that when I am in trial, I get grouchy SO easily. Not just grouchy; over dramatic.
In this particular trial- with the whole "not having a job" thing- I just cry at the drop of a hat. I just feel sad SO often. Not because I doubt God's faithfulness...but because I doubt my own drive to do this job search thing. It is SO much work!!! And what I really want to do...teach...is such a long process for me. I am trying, but feeling so discouraged.
Last night I turned to my almost-asleep husband in bed and said
"I'm scared."
"Of what?" he answered
"Of failing," I whispered.
"You're not going to fail."
"How do yo know?" I pressed.
"You never have."

And he is right. But it is not by my own strength. Because I have Jesus in me, I cannot fail, as long as I am trusting Him.
Even when I am scared and don't know where I am going, my victory is in the One who knows.
Like my daddy told me today "Diana, your God has taken care of you for the past 21 years; what makes you think He will stop now?"
Taking care of me means providing. Providing means...a job? money? a raise for allen? daily bread?
No matter what it looks like, I have no reason for tears.
I have such small faith sometimes. Thank You, Father, for simple truth from dear loved ones.

More than the sparrows

"There is no easy way of saying this; we are letting you go."

Those were the words my (ex)boss spoke to me yesterday. Yes, I was fired. I hate the word fired...it sounds like that you are getting burned at the stake for something you did wrong, when really, this was not my fault. I was a personal assistant to the CEO. The company was acquired, so he is no longer the CEO. The new managers dont feel they need to pay someone to run errands when they can do it themselves. He threw in words like "it wasnt a good fit" and "I know you have been unhappy here, even though it has not affected your work" and "you are too talented and intelligent for a job like this," but honestly, it was because my position is now obsolete.

And you know what, I was ok. When I found out my boss wanted to meet with me, I had this feeling I would be let go. Nervousness filled my body and I felt choked inside. But then I took a breath, pulled me travel Bible in front of me and read Matthew 6
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So I went into it with that knowledge on my heart. I had asked for this, prayed for this. I wanted a new job and time to find one. This was a blessing.

Until I heard these words: "you havent worked here long enough for a severance."

Then I cried.

He promised me any job recommendation in the world. He assured me that he checked around the company for another job that they could give me. He promised that this was on good terms and he would support me 100% in finding a new job.

But after two weeks, my income is gone.

I am scared. Trying not to be, but I am. Allen and I are just starting out. We are learning to budget, save, communicate, live...we can't live as we are on one salary. He is being so supportive and encouraging, trying to calm my fears. My friends have offered us the world. My parents and his parents are there. But my job is gone. I am no longer financially contributing to my family.

God is not gone though. All day, people reminded me "consider the sparrows. Are you not worth more than these?" And even when I screw up over and over, God never says "we are letting you go." He is kinda and merciful. He loves me and cares for me. He will not let us be in want. He WILL NOT forsake us.

Please pray. Pray I am not scared. Pray my husband doesnt have to work twice as much so I never see him. Pray I find a job that I like. Please.

Song

I had the great privilege of getting to know the Altrogge family at my college church. Mark Altrogge is a gifted worship songwriter in the Christian community, who wrote songs that I grew up on such as "I'm Forever Grateful" and "I Stand in Awe of You." Mark is very humble about his talents of music, recognizing it is something he can do only on God's strength and by His grace.
A year ago, Mark and his son Stephen (another talented musician and songwriter) released a CD called "In a Little While." It was a little weird buying a CD that featured my pastor and Bible study leader and weirder still when I found myself listening to it ALL the time, but I am so blessed by it still. It brings me to worship like few other song compilations can.
This song was originally a German hymn, but Mark arranged this version. It has given me peace and comfort on my occasions.
Listen to it here
and read the story of how my dear friend Beth inspired her dad to arrange it here
May you be greatly blessed by these lyrics that God kindly passed Mark's way.

Whatever My God Ordains is Right

Whatever my God ordains is right
In his love I am abiding
I will be still in all he does
And follow where he is guiding
He is my God; though dark my road
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to him I leave it all.

Whatever my God ordains is right
He never will deceive me
He leads me by the proper path
I know he will not leave me
I take content, what he has sent
His hand can turn my griefs away
And patiently I wait his day.

Whatever my God ordains is right
Though now this cup in drinking
Bitter it seems to my faint heart
I take it all unshrinking
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart
And pain and sorrow shall depart.

Whatever my God ordains is right
Here shall my stand be taken
Though sorrow, or need, or death be mine
Yet I am not forsaken
My Father’s care circles me there
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to him I leave it all.

Happy?

Confession. I have been very unhappy lately. I have been having some extreme trial with work, and it has carried greatly into my attitude to the point that I feel almost constantly sad. I cry all the time. I blow things out of proportion. The unhappiness is overshadowing the things that make me happy. It has gotten to the point that I am sad when I spend time with my husband because I am thinking about the things that make me sad at work. I believe that I truly am being wronged and I have reason for my mood; but I have NO excuse to let it affect (or control) my life like this. But what to do?

I started thinking about the concept of happiness. Happiness is an emotion, and our emotions are so fickle. I wake up and kiss my husband, so I am happy. I get in the car to go to work and hit traffic so I am sad. I get to work and a friend tells me some good news so I am happy. I stay at work longer and get treated unkindly, so I am sad. And the cycle continues. Add in sickness, fatigue, PMS, boredom, frustrations, outside circumstances, and my emotions are swayed even more. How do I not let my fickle emotions rule me?

God does not command us to be happy. He does not say "You should be smiling and thrilled in the circumstance that you feel taken advantage of at work." I doubt when Jesus being nailed to the cross was His mind thinking "I am so happy right now!"

However, God does command us to have two constant states of being: "Be joyful always" (1 Thessalonian 5:16) and "Be content" (1 Timothy 6:8)

What does this mean? How does this apply to me?
I went online today and looked through online Bible glossaries, dictionaries and commentaries. Here is what I came up with:

JOY: Biblical joy, I am gathering, can be defined as delight in God, specifically in God's grace. The Greek word that is most commonly used for joy is CHARA which translates to "joy, gladness, and delight." It is also directly related to the Greek word CHARIS, which means grace (which I have heard defined as 'a gift of something that you don't deserve.') So therefore, God's grace produces our joy.
I am taking this to mean that because we have been given God's grace, therefore we should delight in it. God's grace to us is constant and His gift of His son has already been given; therefore we should ALWAYS find joy in that. Joy does not just mean thinking "yeah this is great...I am ok with this." Joy is taking great pleasure and gladness from something. Thriving on it. Allowing it to fill you. I delight in spending time with my husband. When he and I are together, I am often filled with that warm, fuzzy, life is good feeling. My delight/joy in God should be astronomically huger than that. He has given me SO much more: my life, my salvation, His spirit... I should be thrilled to the brim with joy in that fact.
So even when something sad happens in my life, I should still have joy because of the consistent fact that God has bestowed His favor on me, even though I absolutely do not deserve it.

So joy is the constant state, but how am I to feel about circumstances? I mean let's face it, even though it should be, God's grace is not constantly at the forefront of my mind and probably won't
be the constant this side of glory. Thankfully, God has something to stay about our state of being in regard to our circumstances.

CONTENTMENT: From my research this morning, I would summarize contentment as "a state of mind where one is satisfied with whatever one's circumstances are due to the hope in God's promises and provision." This is what is most difficult to me. Basically, I should be satisfied with whatever I am given because no matter what I face, I have God. I guess it is the mental recognition of "situation x is ok because that's how God has it right now, and He is in control."

God has given me Jesus to save my sins. He has given me His Spirit to live in my heart. He has given me my husband, who is my best friend and partner. He has given me a place to live, food to eat and clothes to wear. According to the principle of contentment, that is enough. The rest is extra blessing.

Wow. I fail at contentment every single day. Multiple times. My heart is so sinful. Somehow I have come to think that I deserve more or don't deserve whatever bad thing I am going through. But really, I deserve Hell. Anything better than Hell is God's grace (through which I am given joy; see the connections!)

But how do I daily practice contentment and joy? I am honestly asking because even though I know these things, I am not really joyful or content on a consistent basis. I mean, reading and writing these things has helped to put my life in perspective and restore my joy. And our kind God is so forgiving, and makes my joy new no matter how many times I lose it. But what are some practical ways when circumstances are just plain sad do I bring joy and contentment to the forefront of my mind? I haven't found that answer yet, but the apostle Paul has. I leave you with his God-inspired words. In the meantime, will you pray for me? With me?

Philippians 4

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus....

11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.



some sites I used in this post:

http://www.biblelearn.com/j_frame.htm
http://www.biblestudytools.net/Dictionaries/BakersEvangelicalDictionary/bed.cgi
http://www.ccel.org/contrib/exec_outlines/fs/fs_10.htm <--really cool article

Familiar

"I am so excited, Diana!" Rachel said to me across the small table in the cafe.
I bit into my sandwich and nodded. "Me too."
But really excitement was not the emotion at the forefront of my mind. Beginning a new Bible study brings in such a wave of feelings. Nervousness, apprehension, honor, humility, indecisiveness...I could go on.
This is my third year with this group, and now they are all in high school. I remember when they came into the classroom three years ago, some so excited to be hanging out with older girls, some with arms crossed and looks of defiance across their faces. They hardly knew each other, much less me, and yet I was responsible for communicating the Word of God to them in a manner that they would understand. No easy task.
This year is different, however. I am not in a full-out youth group commitment (which basically means the Bible study is one of the few interactions I will have with the girls this year. Before I had time to take them out often throughout the week.) I have a co-leader. And the girls are old enough, in my opinion, to study something a little more controversial and nitty gritty.
I have wanted to teach a study on purity and relationships for a very long time, but held off for several reasons. The girls were too young to get much out of it. I was too immature to have any real wisdom on the subject (I still may not be wise, but at least I am married now, which means I am done with pre-marital relationships). I was still feeling too convicted in my own mistakes to feel that I was qualified to teach someone else. But now, I feel it is time, and my co-leader (also married) agrees.
An hour after our dinner conversation, we sat around a round table and conversed with the girls. With every second, any nervousness fled. I could call to mind individual memories and moments with each of these girls. We have had individual relationships, bits, trials and good times. This Bible study is going to be something special. Where leadership and mentoring was prominent, now fellowship and friendship join in. I am so blessed to have had the same girls for three years.
For the most part, they were into studying the "purity book" (Rebecca St. James' Wait For Me.) Now comes the hard part: teaching it. Please pray that Rachel and I would have great wisdom and discernment as we approach a topic that is so real and so hard for teenagers today. I have full confidence that if we focus on God's words, rather than our own, the Spirit will do the rest in their hearts. But please pray that we would be willing tools.
I love my girls so much!!

A post of randominity

Sometimes I like to write bullet posts with obscure thoughts. This is one of them:

-The Tony Awards were surprisingly not that disappointing. I mean, I didn't know too many of the shows this year (I remember when I knew ALL of them and had Tony parties!) but I knew enough to appreciate the wins. My highlight was watching Laura Benanti win best supporting for Gypsy. I saw her in Sound of Music when she was only 19 years old (I was 12 :-)) and she blew me away then. She deserved this. I was sad that Kelli O'Hara did not win best actress, although I expected it. Yes, Patti Lupone is an insane character actress and she belts very loudly. Yes she is the biggest Broadway Diva of her time. Of COURSE when you give her the ultimate Broadway Diva role she will win. Why can't we have a vocally talented ingenue win for once!?! Kelli O'Hara was a freaking opera singer and has played some versatile roles; she deserves a good solid chance at a Tony.
End Rant.

-I finally have all my wedding photos and now am trying to design an album online. It is very very very very overwhelming. I know so little about layouts and my placement thoughts go about as far as "oo this looks pretty! let's put this picture here!" so making a whole album that looks professional and artistic is a challenge. I love it though :-)

-I was supposed to go to the gym this morning. I was supposed to go to the gym last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as well. However, I have not. I HATE getting up earlier than I need to! It is really pathetic. I can get up at 7:30 for work, but I cannot get up at 6:45 for the gym, even though it makes me feel good. If only my husband didnt leave before me- then he could MAKE me get up. But it just doesnt work like that. I need to be working out regularly again, like I did in college. But in college, I always went from like 8:30-10:30 at night, which just isn't practical now. Allen and I did take a walk last week and looked at the gym in our development. We admired the nice equipment. Then we left. Le sigh.

-Jodi Picoult has ruined my ability to enjoy other novels. Nothing is complex enough after reading her works of genius. However, Jodi Picoult has also given me a great appreciation for Law and Order Special Victims Unit. This show and her books make me want to be a cop or a prosecutor or a private detective. Then I think about my personality and fear of blood; and realize I just really want to be Mariska Hagatay.

-Steve and Barry's is my new fashion discovery. Go find a store, even if you must travel. Three words: Nine dollar shoes.

I think that is enough for now.

Here is a fun picture of Allen singing in the car as I try to look like Audrey Hepburn (my main goal in life ;-))